I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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