I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize