So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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