at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
