when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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