please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
