the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
