He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize