Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize