I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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