his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
