I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize