my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
