i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize