You can't motorboat a personality
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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