in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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