Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
