your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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