i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
