Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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