Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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