He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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