i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We are two peas in an std pod
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
