I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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