he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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