My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
