glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
