I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
