Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Randomize
