just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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