Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My bed smells like the plague
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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