Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
