Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
