Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
