Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
