the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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