Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I lost the right to judge tonight
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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