now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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