Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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