It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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