yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
