i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
