i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
