There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
