How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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