WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
