But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
