OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
