My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
