oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
