Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize