You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
