So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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