Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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