Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize