Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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