Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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