dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
