I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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