The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize