Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
