I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
